The Law of Shame
To the extent that we blame ourselves for anything, we feel ashamed. The truth is that no matter what we’ve done, the Divine accepts, forgives and loves us unconditionally. Mistakes are just that. We made an error. It may have been an error in judgment, but we made an error. That’s all we did. We goofed. We made a mistake. We were wrong—then.
Whatever we did and whenever we did, it is over. It belongs to the past, not to the present. We need to realize that everybody living now and everybody that ever lived made mistakes and a lot of those mistakes are far worse than anything we ever did. We need to get over it and get on with our lives. Correct the error to the best of your ability, accept that’s the best you can do, forgive yourself for making the mistake in the first place, love yourself in spite of this mistake and get on with your life. This is the Law of Shame: Carrying the weight of shame causes more harm than the things for which we feel ashamed ever did.
When you’re ashamed, you’re not living your life and that’s a much bigger mistake than anything you ever did that makes you feel ashamed now. Get over it. Confess the source of your shame to yourself and to the Divine, and possibly to another person you can trust. Confess your mistake. Confess your inability to make it right. Correct the error as best you can, accept this as being the best you can do, forgive yourself, love yourself in spite of this error, and get on with your life.
If you don’t, you’re going to wallow around in shame until you do. While you’re wallowing around in shame like a pig in a mud hole, life goes on and passes you by. You remain in your dungeon of shame and people can’t see the best in you. They see only the worst and you continue your downward journey into self-pity, self-judgment and self-condemnation.
What’s wrong with this picture? Other people who have done much worse things than you have learned to accept their mistakes, forgive themselves, and get on with their lives. Why can’t you?
You can. Here’s one way.
Managing Shame: Step One
Some of the things that make you feel ashamed are things you did in the past. This first step is intended to deal with those.
Make a list of all the things you did in your life that make you feel ashamed now. Write down as many details about each source of shame in your life as you find relevant. Then one by one take up each item and ask yourself the following questions about that item.
1. Does the Divine, who accepts and forgives everything, accept you and forgive you in spite of this mistake? Keep asking until you find the strength to say “yes.”
2. What can you do, in your present circumstances, to make amends for this mistake? Make it a priority to do what you can to make amends and avoid making this same mistake in the future. Do what you can, accept this is the best you can do, and go on.
3. If there’s nothing you can do, for whatever reason, about making amends, turn to the Divine and ask for forgiveness and peace and vow to do something to make somebody else’s life easier. By easing the pain of another person, you release your own pain and shame.
4. Release your shame and let it go.
If you feel ashamed about something, you’re holding yourself back in life and impeding your spiritual growth. If you seek acceptance, forgiveness and love from the Divine because of this situation, you will instantly receive it. If you accept, forgive and love yourself to the best of your ability over this situation, you empower yourself and you grow spiritually. The choice is yours and yours alone.
Managing Shame: Step Two
Not everything that makes people feel ashamed has to do with their own actions. Many people feel ashamed of things about which they had no choice. They feel ashamed about their family, their job, their friends, their environment, and many other things
Make a list of all the things about your family, job, friends, environment, and other things that make you feel ashamed Then one by one take up each item and ask yourself the following questions about that item.
1. What is it about the thing that makes you feel ashamed?
2. When do you first remember feeling ashamed about it?
3. What effect has feeling ashamed about that thing had on your life?
4. What would you have to do to stop feeling ashamed about this?
Your spiritual growth and your ability to live life to its fullest depends upon your ability to resolve your issues of shame. As long as you insist upon hanging onto your shame, your shame will retard your spiritual growth. As long as you insist upon hanging onto your shame, your shame will weigh you down and make life ever so much more difficult for you. As long as you insist upon hanging onto your shame, you cannot reach your highest potential in this life.
The process of resolving and releasing shame is necessary in order to be free to create a new and better life. Begin the work now. Don’t be ashamed if it turns out you can’t get rid of all your shame at once! There may be things you are ashamed of that you can’t resolve yet; if so, accept that and move on. The important thing is to make a start, and begin the process of moving forward to the life you want to live.
Take between one and two weeks on this lesson, devoting some time to it every day. When you feel you’ve processed as much of your shame as you can, go on to the next lesson.